Tanks and Castles

Yes, but what do you actually do? I mean, now you have your own flat and all that space, what do you actually do?

I look out of the window, or at the wall, depending on the seat I am in (I’ve asked for an easy chair for Christmas). Out of the window I see walls. So I suppose I look at walls. That is what I do.

What do you see?

I’ll tell you what I don’t see: I don’t see walls. I look at them, as I said, but I don’t see them. I see rivers ebbing and flowing and descending into whirlpools; I see never-ending mountain ranges; I see corvids circling and I hear them singing. And more, much more besides.

This is what you see. I ask again: what do you do?

I write. I write at my computer.
I compose letters to newspapers and politicians and global organisations. I enquire about public funds being spent on defence (tanks, guns and training for soldiers). I never save my letters, I never print them and I never send them.
I write historical poetry. I write first person narratives of apprentice stonemasons working on the construction sites of Beaumaris and other Welsh castles. I write romantic exchanges between the kings and queens of Europe. I never keep my poems, and I never share them.
I write fiction. Hour after hour I sit at my desk and write about wealth and poverty, love and loss, and other perennial themes. Needless to say I never save, send, print or share my stories.

Cat’s In The Well

Honestly, sometimes it is like trying to teach a ferret to read Latin. Talk is cheap, but you can’t eat a conversation. I am not a vegetarian, nor am I physically disabled. I said I liked disabled people. I have a lot of time for disabled people. “All disabled people?” she asked, “or just those without any ligaments?” She meant limbs, I think. I didn’t know how to answer.

Then it began to snow and her tattoos fell off. I had to cry. The world’s being slaughtered and it’s such a bloody disgrace.

The Falls and The ‘High Sign’

This morning I was leaving Tesco, having bought a newspaper. I was approached by a man.

“What paper you got there?” he asked.

“Independent; why?” I said.

“Thank goodness, that’s the only one that cares.”

“About what?”

“About the big issues – you ever see another paper carry articles about the VUE?”

“VUE?”

“Yes, you know, the Violent Unknown Event.”

“What, are you for real? That is not real – that was never in a paper.”

“Shh!” This was when he greeted me with the sign from the Blinking Buzzards.

So here I am, approached by a stranger, who appears to know two of my favourite films. The VUE, as far as I know, is only referred to in Peter Greenaway’s The Falls; I have not seen the Blinking Buzzards sign anywhere apart from Buster Keaton’s The ‘High Sign’. So I begin to wonder who this stranger is: Is he a madman, struck lucky by his choice of victim? Is he an angel? Is he from the future? Is he Kirk? Is he me? Has he access to my television or DVD player or internet history?

US State Capital Cities

A few years ago, while in the USA, Geraint and I decided to learn the names of all the state capital cities. We simply made a mental picture, using words associated with each state and its capital city. For example, for Olympia, the capital of Washington, we pictured someone washing a ton of clothes in an Olympic swimming pool.
I have just come across a website that does a similar thing, and I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in ages. Here is an example:
THE SUBSTITUE WORDS ARE
MARYLAND = Mary Land
ANNAPOLIS =A Nap Pole less

See a girl named MARY LAND on a shore
where

a man is taking a NAP on a POLE
noLess.

Funny maths?

I popped into town to buy a card and and birthday present for my sister. Not many of the ‘joke’ cards were that funny. Take this example:

What is the difference between a man and a calculator? You can count on a calculator.

Well, it is a pun, but how easy is it to actually count on a calculator? On my Casio scientific calculator, you need to think a little bit, it’s not like there is a [count] key. In fact it is quite simple – hit [Ans] [+] [1] [=] and then keep hitting [=]. Of course, calculators generally work in similar ways whereas men generally don’t – you can count (rely) on some but not on others.
So, although the joke might not be that funny, it is probably quite true.

I also saw a mug with the following formula on it:

Love = Passion / Patience

There are no definitions of the variables on the mug, but this seems patently incorrect to me. As Patience tends to zero, Love tends to infinity? Surely this can’t be right?
I also saw a mug bearing this formula:

Dad = (Football + Barbeque) / Helping with homework

I wonder if there are any more in the collection….

Potato Picking: The Glory Years

D. tells me he has ghostwritten a book for Laurie Cooper about her grandfather’s days as a potato picker. It sounds riveting.

Random Songs

I have not yet converted all my CDs to mp3. However, I decided to look at what I have done so far so I hit shuffle on my mp3 player – these are the first twenty songs to play:

1. John Wesley Harding – Bob Dylan
2. King of New York – Fun Lovin’ Criminals
3. Sara – Bob Dylan
4. Hey Boy Hey Girl – The Chemical Brothers
5. The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. One – Neutral Milk Hotel
6. Lookout Mountain Drive – Drive-By Truckers
7. Phone Me Tomorrow – Arab Strap
8. Lonesome Day Blues – Bob Dylan
9. We Float – PJ Harvey
10. Three King Fishers – Donovan
11. Dog Without Wings – Kathryn Williams
12. The Negotiation Limerick File – Beastie Boys
13. Cry A While – Bob Dylan
14. Asleep on a Sunbeam – Belle and Sebastian
15. You Said Something – PJ Harvey
16. Frequency Dip – James
17. Never As Tired As When I’m Waking Up – LCD Soundsystem
18. Running Gun Blues – David Bowie
19. Los Angeles, I’m Yours – The Decemberists
20. The King of Carrot Flowers Pts. Two & Three – Neutral Milk Hotel

Fifteen Facts

Some Disney related facts for you this week…

1. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head".
2. Mickey Mouse’s original name was Mortimer.
3. The password for the 1944 invasion at Normandy was "Mickey Mouse".
4. The first animated film to be nominated for an Oscar for best picture was Beauty and the Beast in 1991.
5. 1940 was the first year that Disney released two full length feature animations in the same year – Fantasia and Pinocchio.
6. Pocahontas was Disney’s first full length animation that was based on actual historic events.
7. In Fantasia, the sorcerer’s name is Yensid (Disney backwards).
8. The four Herbie films are: The Love Bug, Herbie Rides Again, Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo, and Herbie Goes Bananas.
9. The Lion King is the highest-grossing film in Disney history.
10. Walt Disney was afraid of Mice.
11. Toy Story was the first animated film to be generated completely on computers.
12. When Pinocchio became a real boy, he had five fingers (instead of four) on each hand.
13. In France Chip and Dale are named Tic et Tac.
14. Dumbo is the only main character from a Disney full length feature animation who did not speak during the film.
15. Mickey Mouse’s ears are at an angle of exactly 106 degrees – the same as the hydrogen atoms in a water molecule.

Fifteen Facts

1. Countries that use a ‘pound’ for currency: Cyprus, Egypt, Lebanon, Syria, UK.
2. Adam Ant’s real name is Stuart Leslie Goddard.
3. Mercury and Venus have no known moons.
4. Car safety belts were first introduced in 1849 by Volvo .
5. James Ramsay Macdonald was the first prime minister to appoint a woman to the cabinet (Margaret Bondfield, 1929).
6. The first Top Of The Pops was presented by Jimmy Saville on 1 Jan, 1964.
7. The Simpsons live at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
8. The top four cities with the highest populations are Shanghai (13.3m), Mumbai (12.6m), Buenos Aires (11.9m), Moscow (11.2m). London (7.6m) is 18th.
9. Henry VIII is buried in St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, with Jane Seymour.
10. Manchester United have won the FA Cup the most times: 11.
11. Celtic have won the Scottish FA Cup the most times: 32.
12. There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
13. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.
14. Onions were used by the Egyptians to replace the eyes removed from mummies.
15. UK Police ranks: Police Constable, Sergeant, Inspector, Chief Inspector, Superintendent, Chief Superintendent, Assistant Chief Constable, Deputy Chief Constable, Chief Constable.

Fifteen Facts

1. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
2. The names of Popeye’s four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye.
3. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys chewing gum.
4. Ghosts appear in four Shakespearian plays; Julius Caesar, Richard III, Hamlet and Macbeth.
5. The world’s first speed limit regulation was in England in 1903. It was 20 mph.
6. The four principal characters from the cartoon series "The Chipmunks" are Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and Dave.
7. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
8. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
9. The word "karate" means "empty hand".
10. There are 100 tiles in Scrabble.
11. Leicester City have been FA Cup finalists four times, and never won.
12. Moorgate and Baker Street both have ten patforms (the most on the London Underground) – although four of Moorgate’s are not used by London Underground trains.
13. Bock’s Car was the name of the B-29 Bomber that dropped the Atom Bomb on Nagasaki.
14. The three most common elements in the universe are 1) hydrogen; 2) helium; 3) oxygen.
15. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.